How to Do the Work

ISBN: 006301209X

Highlights

So many of us exist in a state of unconsciousness. We navigate through the world running on blind autopilot, carrying out automatic, habitual behaviors that don’t serve us or reflect who we fundamentally are and what we deeply desire. ^ref-21153

Not everyone wants to get better. And that’s okay. Some people have an identity tied to sickness. Others fear true wellness because it is the unknown and the unknown is unpredictable. There is comfort in knowing exactly what your life will look like, even if that reality is making you sick. ^ref-42705

My mom, a wounded child herself, had never been shown the love she craved deeply. As a result, she was unable to express love to her own children, whom she did love deeply. ^ref-28062

Unfortunately, Western medicine is constrained by the belief that the mind and body are separate entities—clinicians treat the mind (psychology or psychiatry) or the body (every other branch of medicine) and rarely incorporate treatment for both at the same time. This arbitrary separation of mind and body holds medicine back from its potential for healing and sometimes even makes us sicker in the process. ^ref-2310

We are not merely expressions of coding but products of remarkable arrays of interactions that are both within and outside of our control. ^ref-8393

The subconscious mind loves existing in a comfort zone. The safest place, it turns out, is one you’ve been before because you can predict the familiar outcome. Habits, or behaviors that we repeatedly return to, become the subconscious’s default mode. ^ref-17813

I imagine it may be becoming easier to see how trauma is intergenerational, passed down from one parent-figure to the next to the next to the next—to us. Central to this process is the concept of conditioning, in which beliefs and behaviors are unconsciously imprinted onto us. Anyone who’s ever spent time with a young child knows that children mimic others’ behaviors: whether influenced by a friend or classmate or cartoon character, they do as they see. This is how conditioning works. We learn what is modeled to us by others, especially our primary parent-figures. Our attachments in our earliest years set the groundwork for our subconscious beliefs. We learn what a relationship looks like from watching those closest to us in relationships. We learn how to feel about our bodies by observing how our parents feel about their bodies. We learn whether or not to prioritize self care. We learn spending habits, worldviews, and beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. We stored these beliefs as well as countless other messages in our subconscious. ^ref-37264

This “survival brain” (as opposed to the social engagement’s “learning brain”) is hyperfocused on perceived threats, thinks about things in hard-and-fast black and white, and is often circular, obsessive, and panic driven. ^ref-7108

At the party, for example, we likely couldn’t escape our vagal response, because we were passing that state along to people whose paths we crossed. The others at the party then reflected our activated state back to us, keeping us stuck and leading us along a path of emotional addiction. ^ref-6326

This is why we are drawn to vent to friends and chronically complain; these behaviors help us remain in a heightened state. Nonactivated peace is dull and unfamiliar. ^ref-53529

Spiritually, our individual souls have three basic needs: To be seen To be heard To uniquely express our most authentic Selves ^ref-14645

“My childhood wasn’t that bad. I shouldn’t complain.” I hear that a lot. I have to remind you: you are looking backward in time from the perspective of your adult brain with the awareness and maturity that can put things into proper perspective and alignment. Our child brains did not have these capabilities. ^ref-35565

That’s why the ego is so defensive and fear based. It views everything within the context of a rigid dichotomy: good versus bad or right versus wrong. It is staunchly attached to its opinions and believes that we are our opinions. ^ref-25438

Ego stories come naturally to us because uncertainty is frightening. ^ref-5621

Thoughts happen to us. They don’t mean anything about who we are. They’re simply our ego attempting to defend our identity and protect us from pain. ^ref-47876

We are always subconsciously seeking to relive our past because we are creatures of comfort, who love to be able to predict the future, even if that future is certain to be painful, miserable, or even terrifying. It’s safer than the unknown. ^ref-13573

It is a grounded state. You do not need to perform in a certain way or hide parts of yourself to receive love. You will still feel bored or unsettled. You will still find yourself attracted to other people and may even mourn the loss of the single life. Conscious relationships aren’t fairy tales. There’s no “You complete me.” ^ref-13720

Metadata

Author: Nicole LePera
ASIN: B089SZ9JKW
ISBN: 006301209X
Reference: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089SZ9JKW
Kindle link

How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self

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